Friday, June 14, 2013

My Story...

Though I am beyond blessed with a husband who loves Christ and our family deeply, a passionate, intelligent, sensitive, SPIRITED little boy and all our needs are met. I have been discontent because my life does not look the way I expected it to.

I am a planner by nature, and have only developed this skill set further as an Executive Assistant. I support the President of a manufacturing company who definitely appreciates it! My husband and son appreciate it as well-- because it keeps our life orderly (when it works!). I have even, at times been called upon by friends to assist with planning and organization. But over time and with the grace of God, I have realized that I have surrendered my joy at the feet of an idol of my own making, "THE-WAY-I-THOUGHT-THINGS-WOULD-BE".
Even as I type these words my mind goes to my sweet son, who at 6, is getting better at dealing with the bumps that life throws at him; but who, at 4 would reel in devastation if we ran out of his favorite cereal. "But I was expecting Panda Puffs!!", he would sob, "I wasn't thinking of TOAST!" Yikes. I needn't wonder where he got that from!
Though instead of weeping for the loss of cereal:
I struggled with my career because life circumstances, choices, and frankly the direction of the Lord led me in a direction that did not include finishing college. (I plan to eventually, but as an honor student this was a tough pill to swallow. There's more to this story, but I digress).

I struggled with being single into my late 20's because I'd always planned to marry young (who can plan such things?!).  Instead I married at the ripe old age of 26 (Ha!  Right on trend with the median age), but it seemed older because my three closest friends and my younger sister had married nearly 5 years prior.

I struggled with my pregnancy because we planned to wait until we'd been married for two years to get pregnant, and instead I got pregnant two weeks after our honeymoon.
I struggled with the birth of my son, because I had a natural, mid-wife attended, water birth planned, and my breech son was delivered via C-section.  And lets not even begin to describe my horrific battle with post partum depression.
I struggled with mothering my newborn because it's hard!  And because of post-partum depression related bonding issues which were only compounded by the fact that I've been babysitting since I was 12, and LOVED babies, I was even the "mother hen" among my friends.  Motherhood was going to be easy and natural for me.  So many things I knew before I had kids.
I struggled with being working mother because I had always planned to be a stay at home mom, (my Mom was, after all!). But our financial situation at the time and much, more importantly, the clear direction of the Lord to my husband and I  after prayerful consideration, meant that I would work part-time until my son was three, and go back full-time after that point.
Lest you think that my life has been a series of disappointments let me assure you, it has not been. Each one of these diversions from THE-WAY-I-THOUGHT-THINGS-WOULD-BE has led me to meet people, have experiences and learn lessons that I would not have otherwise. It is not what I expected, but it is so much more! I have had to lean on Jesus. My walk with Him has grown ever richer, undoubtedly BECAUSE of these struggles-- not in spite of them.

I have laid out the circumstances above to highlight where my heart has struggled. In truth, the crux of my struggle is the same as Eve's: to believe that God's plan for me is good, even when my own ideas seem better.  (Genesis 3)   I have learned (and am learning every day) to hold my plans loosely.  I may be smart and capable and I have lots of good ideas about what is good for me, and what is good for my family, but God is infinitely smarter and more capable, and He knows the beginning from the end!
So where am I now? Well the truth is, that I do still plan, aspire and dream, and I don't believe this is wrong.    There are a great many things I still hope to do, and beautiful new ideas unfurling daily, but I endeavor to lay each one of those aspirations at His feet, and say not my will but Thine.

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