Wherein I take it all back...

(The Dawn Treader at Sea, photo by Allstar/20th Century Fox)

At this very moment I want to say, I take back my "juggling" posts.  I don't know how to juggle (literally or metaphorically) and I certainly don't think I am in a position to tell someone else how to do it.  I only know to lean on Jesus and walk one step at a time.  Neat and tidy tips are fun to write, and to make one feel as though one has it all together, but life is not always that neat, tidy and predictable is it?

If any of the tips I posted are helpful, great!  If they are not that's fine too.  :)

At this moment my family is in the midst of tremendous change.  And big changes always cause me to question the nitty-gritty of how I "do life".  Some of the recommendations I posted just a month ago don't make nearly as much sense today.  You see, yesterday was my husband's first day as a Stay At Home, Home-school Dad (SAHHD).  The impact of this incredible, amazing change are sure to unfold as time passes, but right now, I'm reeling a bit!

I am simultaneously elated and terrified.  This choice is both the culmination of something we have wanted since before Silas was born, and something completely unforeseen.  We always wanted to home-school.  We always liked the idea of one parent stay home with our son, and made getting to that point financially our aim.  We also always supposed that parent would be me. 

I am thrilled because I truly believe this to be the very best way to educate our son (I definitely see advantages to home education for all children, but in this case I genuinely do mean OUR son specifically).  I am scared because there is so much unknown ahead of us.  We did not make this decision lightly and in fact, if I'm honest, I think our preconceived ideas, and expectations prevented us from making it sooner than we could have but I digress.

Neither of us were home-schooled.  And while we have a tremendous support system of friends and family who have walked the road before us, it is an entirely new journey for our little family.  Add to it the fact that while home-schooling is increasingly common, Stay At Home Dads are still somewhat rare, and Home-school Dads even rarer.  And it begins to feel a bit like we are pioneers.  Though I like to think of myself as one who goes against the flow and thinks for myself, my first born nature rears its norm-following head once in a while and surprises me!  Being so "unique" is nerve wracking!

Are any of these things good reason not to proceed?  Certainly not!  But what a big step we're taking!  I can only look around in awe and shake my head.  I really feel like Columbus on the Nina... or perhaps Caspian on the Dawn Treader.  Yes, that's it: something more romantic and Narnian than actual history.  An adventurer setting out for new and foreign lands. 

At the beginning of this year, I wrote in an email to a friend:

I am in such a strange frame of mind facing a new year. I always have a little vision/dream/snippet-expectation of what is ahead and for the first time since I can remember I have none of that. I feel completely in uncharted territory. No picture I try-on mentally fits…  for the first time in recent memory I can’t generate anything to set my heart on the way I normally seem to be able to.
I guess it’s good. It all feels a little tenuous and disorienting. I keep trying to think of a word for the year ahead and the only one that comes to mind is precipice.  More accurately, it's as though last year was the precipice. [...]So what does that make 2013?  The abyss.  No.  That doesn't fit. It really sounds like it should be negative and scary, but it doesn’t feel negative or scary. It’s more like… the great unknown.   I think I have always lived my life walking along IMAGINING what the road ahead would look like—and in the end of course, despite my imaginations life has unfolded. I have both trusted the Lord for His plans and not trusted Him, but life has unfolded nonetheless. "A man's heart plans his way…" I don’t know if it’s because so few of my plans have come to fruition, and the loss of them has hurt or if its because I really am actually believing the enduring goodness of the Lord more than ever before, or because I am living so far outside the life I imagined as a little girl but whatever the reason I don’t have a playbook and I am actually okay with it. 

Little did I know that by mid-year so very much would have changed.  There is such freedom in life unfolding in a completely unexpected way.  It's so much easier to rely on the plans my heart lays when things tend to be moving in the general direction of those plans.  It's another exercise entirely to set off into places I could have never imagined.  It will be fun, it will be scary, it will build our faith and strengthen our character in ways we cannot, even now foresee.  What a privelage!

My Story...

Though I am beyond blessed with a husband who loves Christ and our family deeply, a passionate, intelligent, sensitive, SPIRITED little boy and all our needs are met. I have been discontent because my life does not look the way I expected it to.

I am a planner by nature, and have only developed this skill set further as an Executive Assistant. I support the President of a manufacturing company who definitely appreciates it! My husband and son appreciate it as well-- because it keeps our life orderly (when it works!). I have even, at times been called upon by friends to assist with planning and organization. But over time and with the grace of God, I have realized that I have surrendered my joy at the feet of an idol of my own making, "THE-WAY-I-THOUGHT-THINGS-WOULD-BE".

Even as I type these words my mind goes to my sweet son, who at 6, is getting better at dealing with the bumps that life throws at him; but who, at 4 would reel in devastation if we ran out of his favorite cereal. "But I was expecting Panda Puffs!!", he would sob, "I wasn't thinking of TOAST!" Yikes. I needn't wonder where he got that from!

Though instead of weeping for the loss of cereal:

I struggled with my career because life circumstances, choices, and frankly the direction of the Lord led me in a direction that did not include finishing college. (I plan to eventually, but as an honor student this was a tough pill to swallow. There's more to this story, but I digress).

 

I struggled with being single into my late 20's because I'd always planned to marry young (who can plan such things?!).  Instead I married at the ripe old age of 26 (Ha!  Right on trend with the median age), but it seemed older because my three closest friends and my younger sister had married nearly 5 years prior.

I struggled with my pregnancy because we planned to wait until we'd been married for two years to get pregnant, and instead I got pregnant two weeks after our honeymoon.

 

I struggled with the birth of my son, because I had a natural, mid-wife attended, water birth planned, and my breech son was delivered via C-section.  And lets not even begin to describe my horrific battle with post partum depression.

 

I struggled with mothering my newborn because it's hard!  And because of post-partum depression related bonding issues which were only compounded by the fact that I've been babysitting since I was 12, and LOVED babies, I was even the "mother hen" among my friends.  Motherhood was going to be easy and natural for me.  So many things I knew before I had kids.

 

I struggled with being working mother because I had always planned to be a stay at home mom, (my Mom was, after all!). But our financial situation at the time and much, more importantly, the clear direction of the Lord to my husband and I  after prayerful consideration, meant that I would work part-time until my son was three, and go back full-time after that point.

Lest you think that my life has been a series of disappointments let me assure you, it has not been. Each one of these diversions from THE-WAY-I-THOUGHT-THINGS-WOULD-BE has led me to meet people, have experiences and learn lessons that I would not have otherwise. It is not what I expected, but it is so much more! I have had to lean on Jesus. My walk with Him has grown ever richer, undoubtedly BECAUSE of these struggles-- not in spite of them.

I have laid out the circumstances above to highlight where my heart has struggled. In truth, the crux of my struggle is the same as Eve's: to believe that God's plan for me is good, even when my own ideas seem better.  (Genesis 3)   I have learned (and am learning every day) to hold my plans loosely.  I may be smart and capable and I have lots of good ideas about what is good for me, and what is good for my family, but God is infinitely smarter and more capable, and He knows the beginning from the end!

 

So where am I now? Well the truth is, that I do still plan, aspire and dream, and I don't believe this is wrong.    There are a great many things I still hope to do, and beautiful new ideas unfurling daily, but I endeavor to lay each one of those aspirations at His feet, and say not my will but Thine.